part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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