I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize