I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
