dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
