Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
