i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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