he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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