u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
