this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
