I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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