dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
