Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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