Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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