i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
