I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
