oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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