Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize