omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
