SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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