Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
