Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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