He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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