Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
