his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize