So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
