Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
