I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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