saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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