saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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