I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
