Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize