Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I met the friendliest cop last night
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
