I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
