he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
