Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize