so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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