please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
