We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
