i just had sex bonerless
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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