How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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