I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
