There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
