I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
