My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
