Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
