Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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