i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
