i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
