I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
