i jhust puked up my retainher.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
