i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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