Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
