best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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