we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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