my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I deserve this hangover.
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