i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
