whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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