I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
