The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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