If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
